I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, shame and this overwhelming feeling of disgust that takes over like a sandstorm constantly blowing me over; like a rash that I can’t seem to scratch never mind prevent. This feeling of constant sadness and anguish is indescribable, but with a switch the light turns on and I’m happy and content with everything that I am and all that I want to be.
I don’t know how long the peace within will last, each time is different. It can last weeks, or it can last only a few minutes. Sometimes it’s more of a flicker than actual light. But I’ll take what I can get. That’s what this disease does to you. It makes you so desperate for a glimpse of happiness that you’ll crave even that flicker as an addict craves a needle. Because anything is better than that relentless darkness that drowns you like an infant in water.
I have watched my body crumble. I’ve let blood casually run down my arms. I’ve allowed bystanders to be witness to my deterioration. Like a balloon without its knot, I’ve watched myself blow away into nothing but an empty vessel begging to be filled with anything but loneliness.
But with time; I am finally becoming the person I want to be. I am a sunflower absorbing all that I can, simply to grow and be brighter than ever before.