a work in progress

I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, shame and this overwhelming feeling of disgust that takes over like a sandstorm constantly blowing me over; like a rash that I can’t seem to scratch never mind prevent. This feeling of constant sadness and anguish is indescribable, but with a switch the light turns on and I’m happy and content with everything that I am and all that I want to be.

I don’t know how long the peace within will last, each time is different. It can last weeks, or it can last only a few minutes. Sometimes it’s more of a flicker than actual light. But I’ll take what I can get. That’s what this disease does to you. It makes you so desperate for a glimpse of happiness that you’ll crave even that flicker as an addict craves a needle. Because anything is better than that relentless darkness that drowns you like an infant in water.

I have watched my body crumble. I’ve let blood casually run down my arms. I’ve allowed bystanders to be witness to my deterioration. Like a balloon without its knot, I’ve watched myself blow away into nothing but an empty vessel begging to be filled with anything but loneliness.

But with time; I am finally becoming the person I want to be. I am a sunflower absorbing all that I can, simply to grow and be brighter than ever before.

2 thoughts on “a work in progress

  1. Beautiful expression of what you are going through! Thanks for sharing. Those who love you can only support you if they know what you are going through. Always speak out! All the best Hanah. We are here for you and following you xx

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