Positive and Permanent

I started a new job… or should I say I started working… I’ve been out of work for a while. Not because I’m unemployable, but because I had to leave my job as a waitress in order to seek medical help for my overwhelming depression that basically took over my life. Maybe not ‘basically’, definitely took over my life. That wasn’t a choice. I had to put myself first and seek immediate attention. I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t. Would I have moved to Florida from sunny South Africa? Would I have dropped out of the best university at my disposal? Would I have left the love of my life? Would I have gotten this job? Would I be writing this blog? Would I still be alive? These questions cross my mind daily… 

I’m glad to be here. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people that love me. I am missed by the love I left behind. I am grateful for a job in a field that I never knew I would be so well fitted for. 

Waiting tables is all I’ve ever known when it comes to an income and any form of professionalism. I don’t do any of that anymore. Instead I care for people who can no longer do it for themselves. That is a field that gives me constant reward and gratitude. Gratitude for all that I have and all that I am. 

For so long I thought that I had no purpose and that there was no point of me being on this planet. That I was just this shell of a person breathing in oxygen needed by someone else. Someone more deserving. I see now that that is not the case. I am needed by the people I care for. I am wanted by my family. I am desired by my partner, even if he is in another country, living life on a different time zone. 

Every night once I’ve closed my eyes and simply face the darkness, I can see so much light and love that the next day has in store for me. It’s good to have a purpose. It’s great to go out and find one. Sometimes, maybe most times, it’s important to look back on what you’ve overcome and acknowledge your progress. Seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s a dim one for the time being. I’ve come to realize that nothing is permanent unless you decide that it should be. 

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