I’m lying in bed. The only sounds are the breaths I’m taking, in and out, in harmony with each other. There is no light and I’m ready to drift away into dream land. Then, like a gust of wind pulling an umbrella in the wrong direction, I’m no longer protected from the rain and a flood of anxiety fills my body. From head to toe, the place I felt most safe has become a private prison for my thoughts. The swirl in my stomach only gets angrier and I can’t seem to catch my breath anymore. That gust has turned into a storm and I can’t seem to find my bearings.
This has been happening to me a lot lately. As soon as I decide that I’m ready for my day to end, my mind decides that it’s time to overload my body with emotion and fear. Without any reasoning, my body falls into a black hole and I can’t seem to find my way out.
In the past I would have stayed in my bed and let that black hole suck me in deeper. But not anymore. I get up, no matter the hour, and find something productive to do. Whether its doing the households laundry or unpacking the dishwasher, I find something else to put my energy into. There is no point in giving the anxiety the power to be all consuming as I used to. It is important to have full control over it. It is not in charge. I am.
Although my hands shake as I transfer the glasses to the cabinet, it is better than having them shake as I cling onto a pillow hoping for a saving grace. I become my own saving grace. Rather than waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, I get up and walk towards it.
You cannot wait for better things to come. You have to make them happen. Otherwise the ride that could be smooth, becomes rocky and unexpected. Take control of the things that make you feel weak. Otherwise you can never get stronger.